So, um. Happy new year?

I've been living with my head tucked pretty damn well up my you-know-where, but today I was reminded why I need to drag it out and start looking at this journalling thing again. Ohh, so that's what it's for -- not emoness, but sharing life lessons with my special people (however estranged), as well as recording them for posterity.

In other words, you can thank my kids (er, my students) for this post.

......... so, here goes.

Life Lesson:
Never, ever start an example during a science lesson on density for fourth and fifth graders by saying, "So imagine you've got big heavy iron balls..." COMPLETE WITH INADVERTENT CUPPING HAND GESTURE. I MEANT AS IN CANNONBALLS!!!111

(I could see them starting to dissolve into giggles as I tried to press on and use a different example -- "I mean a cannonball. One big, heavy, cannon....." but by then it was too late. I was gone -- I even tucked my head under my sweatshirt for a moment as they laughed at me. And as I laughed at me. It took a few minutes to recover. :PPP Thank god that I'm not student teaching anymore, and this is my own class, not being evaluated by anyone... and that there were no parent volunteers in the room at the time.

Still, I anticipate students will go home tonight and tell their family, "Guess what? Ms. Bergman, my new teacher, talked about balls today!!! Big heavy ones!!!1")

(YOU BET SHE DID.)

I worry endlessly about my loved ones in Louisiana. About the state of the world in general.

And yet I feel like a horrible person, because instead of talking about those feelings and fears, my mind is consumed with my own stupid angst that shouldn't be in the first place. The stuff that happened in Hawaii that I can't figure out how to talk about. I started to, when I got home -- I have a whole long-ass half-entry saved privately, which I may or may not finish -- but...

it's the same IRL as it is here. I hit a major personal milestone this weekend -- a few of them, actually -- and I feel like I need to sort out my emotions and instincts with someone, since I'm doing such a shitty job on my own. And yet,... at the same time... I can talk about what happened, but I can't access the right words when I'm telling the story to express what it really meant.

Earlier in the day I likened it to being a five year old who was just potty-trained. A huge, life-changing accomplishment, a major step in feelings of self-worth and normalcy... but he can't talk about it in kindergarten 'cause to his friends, potty-training is old news; he doesn't want to admit that till now he's been running around in Pull-Ups.

Hell, given my age and situation, the five year old still isn't completely potty-trained. He still hasn't figured stopped wetting the bed at night. But I'm losing the analogy anyway. Er.

... so I can't talk to friends, and I can't go into detail with my family, either. All it took was a few casual references and already Mom thinks I should never drink again.

I'm sorry I've been a jerk again.

---

( selfish, unimportant whining )

--

( February 26, 1987 - August 10, 2005 )

My graduation trip begins today! Japan with the band!

I'll be back in about a week, all jetlagged for more class, but I'm really, really hoping it'll be worth it.

... oh god, I was going to say more, and then I noticed the time. Well, three hours of sleep, five hours at the airport, and then I can sleep on the flight, right? -_-;;

After I let myself get all whiny and typical-me and pathetic on Thursday, I went to class and felt similarly isolated, and then found that another girl in my program takes a train home, so on the way over to Union Station we had a nice talk. Not that we're BFF now, or anything close, but a human conversation does worlds for the self-esteem.

Life always has to prove me wrong. :P

Okay. Hella homework to finish before tomorrow, and I'm dead sleepy and also starved, so I'm going to take care of that. In some order.

"Roommate" moved out today, incidentally. For the best, really. I liked her okay, sure, but we were pretty different. And it crossed my mind that by the end of the summer, I probably would have ended up with feelings in the extreme. Which extreme, I don't know, but it's not worth the worry now.

God, I'm so SO tired. Got all of two consecutive hours, then up with tummyache, then two more hours, then train. x_x

Okay. Just a little more homework. A little more. Advil and chai tea. Right!

You know, though......

I wish I understood how people make friends. It seems so freaking easy, or natural... no, strike that -- it seems automatic. Like all it takes is looking the right way, catching someone's eye at the right time, and then -- best friends! Or at least a clique!

Why can't I get that? I mean, this program... we're all new, right? And I don't think I'm any less friendly than other people at first -- sure, I'm shy, but on the first day, who isn't? And yet there they are, the cliques and smiles and knowing each others' names, and...

me.

Sure, I'm sure there are others too, but it feels like as soon as I start to notice one, oh, here come the real friends, and I'm too late again! It's so frustrating.

I dunno, I suppose I should be used to it, but I thought that since most of the people in my program are new to the school, there won't be pre-established relationships like going into an upper division class as an undergrad. Sure, I'm noticing that some of them have preexisting relationships, like they're both from the same undergrad U, but... then there are others who just seem to hook up, no questions asked, and then they're a unit against the rest of the class. How do they do it?!

< sigh >

It's times like these that I start wondering what is physically wrong with me. Like there's something I don't get -- the way I act, the way I dress, the way I look or do my hair or makeup. Is it that I wear too many t-shirts? That's practically all I own. Is it that wearing sunglasses on my head is soooooo passe? I forget I'm doing that most of the time. My eyes are sensitive. ;_;

(I only say that 'cause the TA today asked my name -- "you, the one in the ponytail, and the glasses..." and I didn't think she meant me, 'cause I don't wear glasses! But yeah, I guess they were on my head. Whoopsie. :P)

Not that I'm going to let it get me down -- this is only a year program, and I'll be done with them all soon enough. I was just kinda hoping to make a good real-life friend, y'know? I've heard people have those.

I don't mean to be angsty already, and really I'm not -- I'm just confused, and kind of frustrated, because I've tried to make changes, but I don't know what to do.

... And, on a related subject, I'm going to be roommateless again.

I had a roommate this year, but she never EVER spent the night. It was astonishing. Did I mention this before? We figure she was probably staying with a boyfriend and not telling her immigrant parents, who might be a little bit old world. Whatever. Lonely, but I got used to it.

So then I signed up to the same place for summer, and was told I'd get a new summer roommate. Okay!

She's nice. Pretty, into dance and music and things I'm not, but she kept good hours and was learning to cook, and we could have gotten along, even if I felt kind of shy and dorky and kept retreating to the computer.

And then her car got messed up, and she can't afford rent anymore on top of the car payments, so she's moving home.

... On my own again. Figures.

So who wants to come live with me? Anyone?

B.A. in English Literature with Honors. B.A. in East Asian Languages and Cultures, Japanese Emphasis. (Honors doesn't exist in EALC, which kinda sucks. I did my thesis on English-Japanese translation anyway.) Honors general ed program. Summa Cum Laude.

Sure, I have regrets, but also I suppose I can't not be satisfied.

So anyway, here I am, graduated and satisfied and sane. Kind of. That return to "kind of [sane]" has been more difficult than I expected -- I guess I thought that I'd get done with school, and then bam! My half a brain would return to its nest again! Mmmmm, but that wasn't quite to be. Lots of other things getting in the way.

( educational ketchup )

( the non-school near future projects and journeys )

So, there I go. Guts pose and all that. Deep breath, Melissa, you nerd. Okay.

I'm going to write! I'm going to draw, I'm going to translate, I'm going to read... I'm going to rebuild old friendships and start new ones and get back in shape and get beautiful and feel right again. No excuses now!

So. In some three weeks, I'll be graduating college.

I have one half-finished story and one story rewrite to finish. Oh, and half a fricking thesis. But that's more than I had last week, so... it'll be okay. Add to that two finals, and then I'm done.

I'm going to grad school here. For a year and two summers. (gonna be a looong time before I have time off... Welcome to Real Life, I guess.) I reeeeeally hope they offer me some money for it, but I haven't heard anything yet... my GPA and GREs weren't perfect, but close enough to make me potentially competitive for various Ph.d programs all over the place, so I'm hoping they might increase my chances of financial help in a little master's+teaching credential program. Plus, I like the ideas in my app essay, why a double major in English and Japanese will help me teach kiddos to read. We'll see.

A good friend -- one of the very few I have here -- told me something rather unsettling last week, but this is an unusually happy post so far, so I'm not going to think about what he said right now. It confuses me. I am almost (almost!!!!1) in my head for the moment. At the same time, I feel crazily detached. It's a strange feeling.

The Yamabuki musical comes out on DVD in Japan today. I'm gonna go nuts till someone makes it torrented. ^_^ Or at LEAST the soundtrack. I have been waiting my whole LIFE for 俺たち地味's and GOOD COMBINATION. I suppose that's what I get for fangirling characters many other fans of the series couldn't remember if their lives depended on it.

And I suppose even THAT is better than being obsessed with spin-off original characters that all of three people know. Sigh. It keeps me happy, so I guess that's all that matters. <3 Maybe someday when I'm a grown-up I'll try my hand again at writing for realsies. OCs help me feel better about that, even if I still can't write plot for the life of me. I guess one of the reasons I want to be a teacher for a little while is so I have time to learn. Maybe. At least I'll still have my summers, see. :P

No angst, no angst!

Today I fangirled Iwata so hard, I think I bruised something. Hearing him do Crazy Love live just... dammit. It made up for freaking Okki and his freaking skeletal face and Mizuki wardrobe. Konishi('stightpants) followed by Inoue helped too.

For tomorrow I promised one of my advisors another chunk of thesis I haven't yet written. Stalling on my essay-writing to post here... I think that's the strongest indication yet that I AM feeling more like myself again after all!

... I had no idea that my last entry was after that party. Yeek. What people must think, if they bother to think of me at all. Serves me right for starting too many entries and then deciding not to post them. Like I always do.

I'm gradually getting happier again -- some combination of the medicine and counseling at student health must be helping, 'cause I've had some really good days -- but oh, it's hard sometimes. Setbacks like last night, drinking too much at the band banquet and then crying in public and then again at home because no one will ever love me, no one will ever ask me on the dance floor and hold me close and make me feel special, and it's not like I deserve that anyway, well... sigh. At least my eye makeup didn't run too much.

Gaaaaaaah. It's been twelve hours since then, shouldn't I be over it? I'm getting weepy again.

Hey! I'm going to a national championship game! And we were most improved section! And I didn't bomb my classes! (so far) It's a start. I just wish sometimes I could progress past a start. I'm sorry.

I am sooo wasted that I can't even feel my fingertips. You don't know how many backspaces it took to make this entry work. The only reason I'm making it is to see if I can make myself write something that won't kill me to look at in the morning.

Soooooooooooooo wasted. OMFG. If this is what being on medication + drinking heavily does to you, well... it rocks. Thank god I made it home alive, since I'm pretty sure the kid who drove me was wasted too. Oh well. Fucking clarinets. I think he was a clarinet at least. Maybe an alto?

... I just spilled my water all over the place. Or at any rate I just dropped a cup full of water on the floor, and it's probably wet, and I am using a lot of discretion to make this in the least bit legible. Hey, you know what, more people knew my name than I ever suspected. Rock on.

Make the room stop spinning plz. I have to be up in three hours.

I just realized that I used to be a decent human being.

What a strange thing to feel wash through my body's chemistry at one-thirty in the morning.

So. So. Tired. And this has been the longest Thursday ever for me.

(literally. Like, as in forty hours long or so. Time zones and the international date line, for someone like me who's never even had a passport till a month ago, are weeeeeeird. Also, I only managed to sleep for the first five hours or so of said Thursday. I'm so dead now, except that this time I don't mean it literally: I have survived my first communist country and anarchist driving and countless plane trips and I'd rather not count airplane food and all other associated potential dangers. ^_^)

I've returned to my American home and American food so now I've got to reunite with my comfy American bed. Maybe that'll clear the communist red out of my tired, tired eyes so I can catch up with what I've missed.

I'm leaving for China in about four hours. I'm so very nervous, but I spent a lot of money and time and planning on this trip, so dammit I'm going to have a fabulous time and get lots of souvenirs and take lots of pictures and write letters and postcards and be a lovely blue-eyed tourist.

I'll be back a week from Thursday. Everyone be good, 'kay?

So, E3 was pretty damn cool. Since I forgot to tell my brother to bring a camera, I'll have to write about it to remember. But not now. Man. Now that school's over, it's probably time to see if I can sleep more than four hours a night. At least before I go to China. x_x

I have soooooooo much work to be doing before Tuesday. I mean, I am going to DIE. AND CHOKE AND SCREW UP SCHOOL.

This is SUCH a bad time to be smacked by new and old obsessions. And I'm smacked so hard I can barely move.

Also, quite related: goddamn Hyoutei. Give 'em an inch and they move their cheering section into your BRAIN.

Also, related to my agony: if I NEVER think of Wuthering Heights again, I will end my life a happier person.

-_-;;;;; Re: the Wuthering Heights huge research paper of death for my honors seminar.

"This would have definitely earned an A had it come in on time -- w/ the lapse, I have to knock it down to a B+/B."

Well, hell.

However. That was the end of his analysis/grade report. The beginning said:

"It's a shame you so lacked confidence in the project because the result is, really, so fine. Indeed, it's one of the best, if not the best, of all the class's efforts."

Sigh.

Honestly, I'm not bothered by the grade (thing is, I thought the work I turned in was garbage, and was expecting maybe a C+/B-, tops), and only slightly annoyed that if I hadn't let a goddamned emotional/stress breakdown take over (like I always do) I'd be smooth-sailing from here. The sense I'm feeling more now is focus. What I intend to do is hope upon hope that he remembers the job I did on this paper, and then when he looks at my portfolio, he'll be more likely to bump me up a little. And, on top of that, the things he said we wouldn't have to do, the things that were optional... screw that. From here out, it's war. I'm taking on my old self and I'm gonna fucking win.

Mind, I am a semester's worth of behind on the portfolio, and I have a LOT to do in the meantime for my other finals, but but but. So long as I can get sleep at night to keep me energized -- which, I might add, I haven't been; I haven't been able to sleep in weeks, but physical needs are surmountable, right? I'll take my vitamins and drink caffeine. -- er, but so long as I get a little sleep and keep this focus... well, we'll see, but it's worth trying.

今、大変にがんばっとるで～。

... the funny thing is about writing huge angsty self-loathing entries is that... well, I just went back to the beginning of this lj and look, all the problems I'm having now are there, too.

At least I'm consistent. But I'm glad I made the entry I just wrote private. After listing so many critical faults, I don't want to have to re-edit it to include repetitious.

The one painful difference, though, is that I feel like back then there was more of a sense of hope in my entries. I was a college freshman, had my whole college career ahead of me. Now I'm twenty-one. I'm about ready to give up on me.

Still sick. Will never eat anything again that's not packed with preservatives. Paper still unwritten. I hate my life.

Okay, I was thinking I'd have my paper near-finished by now, so I could play a little tomorrow afternoon.

I didn't count on the milk I drank with my brownie being apparently bad (...how did I drink it?! How? I looked in the bottom of the mug not long after and what was milk was like... froth! It was a solid! How did I drink it and not notice?!)

My stomach is just one... solid... I dunno, it wants to jump out and start dancing on the desk, seriously. I wish I could let it. I don't even know, I can barely stand UP, and... ... ... waaaait. There's a glass with a straw here, and I know I was drinking milk out of THAT earlier, so did I have two glasses going? Or... what the HELL was in my coffee mug? I couldn't have drank it, and I washed it thoroughly before I made the coffee that I only got a sip out of before, and...

...wait, now in that other glass-with-straw, the milk isn't frothy, but when I swirl the little bit left, it seems to be sticking strangely to the sides, and... it smells a little weird. WHY DID I NOT NOTICE THIS!?!?

I don't know. In any rate, sicksicksick, wish I could just get it out of my system but it's just leaving me on the brink of nausea, not letting me go any further, and so the entirety of tomorrow will have to be spent on the moors. I hate Wuthering Heights. I mean, I've outlined the paper, pulled most of the quotes, but this is for my honors class and it's already an extension of an extension earned by grace of my amazing ability to cry and dig pencils into my wrists in front of teachers and classmates, but I wanted it WRITTEN BY NOW AND UGH.

PAINPAINPAIN. And speaking of pain, I downloaded the latest Tenipuri ( (entitled 'Drunken Whores and Beer! Tezuka gives us a tour of Germany!') (no spoilers, really, just bitching) )

I FEEL SO LOUSY RIGHT NOW. I'm probably incoherent. And I still hate this paper that I can't do right now.

I'd better feel better tomorrow. I want to sleep, but my stomach is cramping too badly for me to lay down. x_x